Loss

It has been a journey,
One I would have preferred
Not to have tread.

In my mind's eye,
I can still see him -
Dead.

Feelings are put into words,
Words into images,
Images forever burned in my head.

One day I will see him,
My Father, my Dad,
Those 'Words' will be said.

Breathe

The time to write, to breathe...
The time to sort through the muddle,
Of thoughts that reel.

Can I overcome,
Can I get over it again?
Breathe....

When the tightness starts,
When the light grows dim,
Breathe...

It's difficult to breathe,
It's so unmanageable,
Is there a lifeline?

Then I sang your songs,
You are Jehovah Jirah, my Provider,
Your Grace is sufficient for me.

The answer is so clear now,
I should immerse myself in the things of You,
I should immerse myself in Thee.

An irrational sadness

It suddenly overwhelms me,
It overtakes my thoughts,
This deep sense of loss,
That can only be equated to grief,
Something I felt when my Dad passed away.

This is what I feel,
When I realise that I will not have any more babies,
The decision seemed the best.
We have our 'Pigeon Pair',
So why do I feel this unrest?

Why do other women not tell you of this?
Is it a normal stage of life?
When you progress from one stage to another?
Does it ever end?
I pray God would fill this....void.

Inspiration

Sweeping hills caress the sky,
Animals roam freely across my mind's eye,
A place where dreams can fly,
A place to reach so high.

When I find that place,
I will have run the race,
I will have set the pace,
I will have won the race.

Inspiration comes to me,
I wish to use it sparingly,
To save some for every 'Me',
Across my years of life I see.

A palate so broad,
A slate so clean,
A brush to paint,
This life, a dream.

New Beginnings

It's 4 am and I am awoken by little Bailey girl,
She is our new puppy, full of life and energy,
Making me evaluate my life - sending me into a whirl,
Feelings I cannot fully describe, flood me.

Family having babies,
Making me feel sad, that time is over for me,
But I am glad it is over -  Am I not? Strange....
A sense of loss overwhelms me.

Where to from here? What has God planned for me?
Settling down, still to find that place.
Yet, at the same time, I want to travel, explore,
I come alive, when I am lost in an experience.

I love my husband, my children, my family.
I think this may be... an existential crisis....:-)